I really looked forward to every birthday until my 21st one. I was growing up, and each new year was a new milestone! Then on my 22nd birthday, I suddenly thought - its all downhill from here. Yes my friends, I have been feeling old ever since I turned 22. Each subsequent birthday was more dreaded than the previous.. I'm no longer in my early 20s, I'm over 25, OMG! I'm 27 and still single!!
Then I turned 28. I was at a low point in my life ... stagnating in a dead end job, at a company rapidly running out of money, in the meantime they wouldn't even apply for a green card and the clock was running out on my H1. Even my boss asked me what I was still doing there! My personal life was even worse, had just worked off some entanglements that left me free but oh so lonely. And as I turned 28, I had an epiphany - "This could be it. There is a real chance that I may die alone." Funny, but I had never considered the possibility before - and it was a strange, intensely deeply lonely feeling. Heart felt like lead, blood turned cold. And I treated myself to a weekend getaway - a nice, romantic getaway, all by myself.
Of course, when you've hit rock bottom, there's nowhere to go but up. I found another job, eventually even stumbled on to a boyfriend somehow.
29 was very different. Somehow 29 didn't seem much older than 28, it actually felt younger. This was the last year in my 20s. A 29 yr old is someone who isn't 30. I must have used the phrase "in my 20s" a thousand times that year!
Eventually of course, I was forced to turn 30. At that point, I enjoyed my birthday, but developed a healthy mental block towards my age. Seriously, sometimes I genuinely forget how old I am, and have to do some quick mental arithmetic! Ah well, I am happy to stay in this blissful state as long as I can. I suppose around 38 or so I will start panicking about turning 40.
I have no idea why I thought this was worth blogging about. But now that I've written it up I will have to post it.
Then I turned 28. I was at a low point in my life ... stagnating in a dead end job, at a company rapidly running out of money, in the meantime they wouldn't even apply for a green card and the clock was running out on my H1. Even my boss asked me what I was still doing there! My personal life was even worse, had just worked off some entanglements that left me free but oh so lonely. And as I turned 28, I had an epiphany - "This could be it. There is a real chance that I may die alone." Funny, but I had never considered the possibility before - and it was a strange, intensely deeply lonely feeling. Heart felt like lead, blood turned cold. And I treated myself to a weekend getaway - a nice, romantic getaway, all by myself.
Of course, when you've hit rock bottom, there's nowhere to go but up. I found another job, eventually even stumbled on to a boyfriend somehow.
29 was very different. Somehow 29 didn't seem much older than 28, it actually felt younger. This was the last year in my 20s. A 29 yr old is someone who isn't 30. I must have used the phrase "in my 20s" a thousand times that year!
Eventually of course, I was forced to turn 30. At that point, I enjoyed my birthday, but developed a healthy mental block towards my age. Seriously, sometimes I genuinely forget how old I am, and have to do some quick mental arithmetic! Ah well, I am happy to stay in this blissful state as long as I can. I suppose around 38 or so I will start panicking about turning 40.
I have no idea why I thought this was worth blogging about. But now that I've written it up I will have to post it.
2 comments:
Good post! I am startled by two things tonight:
First, you read my blog. (This is perhaps the scarier of the revelations.)
Second, this post sounds exactly like me. (Except that my posts tend to be less eloquent and more polluted with profanities and typos.) I admit to getting some enjoyment out of exaggerating the downsides of aging and do genuinely look forward to the future and things I hope to have but don't have the means or maturity to have now, but it's still a bittersweet process :)
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